What I Like, and Don’t Like, About Myself or My Situation

6 Things I Don’t Like About Myself
 My Addictions-my struggle to stay out of my shadow. I have the tools now to deal with it, but I just have to open the toolbox. We all have secrets. Things we don’t want others to know about us. It’s part of being human. We need to embrace, and recognize those things we’re ashamed of in order to grow. Then, we can work on separating from whatever emotion brought us into our shadow. What triggered us to go in that direction? We need to know that we are not our emotions. By recognizing and embracing the emotion, we can then let it flow through us until it passes. Then we can evaluate it to better understand how it affected us, and why it led us to that place. It’s a real hard process, and takes time. But, it’s so worth learning why we do what we do, and act the way we act. I’m still learning, and I still struggle. But, I don’t stay in that place for very long. I use some those valuable tools that I learned from some wise men to help me free myself from my shadow.  It’s been life changing, and I want to help as many people I can discover the keys to successfully breaking free. 

My Motivation-I talk a real good game, but I struggle to follow through sometimes. I need to be a man of my word in order to make things happen for myself and my family. I have integrity, but my follow through is lacking. I have some great ideas, and my expectations sometimes get the best of me. In the past, I would envision something turning out or going down a certain way. If it didn’t I would get disappointed, angry or depressed. I would plan for something to turn out a certain way, and expect it to be awesome. Most of the time it wouldn’t even be close, and I’d be devastated inside. It would send me into a spiral towards my shadow, and result in guilt and shame. But, now I try to let go of expectations. I can’t control the uncontrollable. Bad weather is going to happen. Traffic is going to suck. People will let you down. Others have expectations, too, and sometimes are in conflict with yours. Let the stuff you can’t control go! My dad always tells me to plan the plan not the outcome. By having expectations you set yourself up for disappointment. Free yourself from what you can’t control. 

 I’m Too Emotional Sometimes-Just gotta let it go, stay grounded, and not get caught up in it. Keep it in check. It’ll pass. Don’t get too high or too low. My voice tends to rise or fall with whatever emotion I’m experiencing. Need to monitor the volume, as well.  I’m a passionate guy. In the past I would get so worked up about certain things, especially my kids activities and traffic. It would affect me because I would try to control it, which I could not do. Then I would explode in anger. There would be a lot of collateral damage. It affected many relationships and my reputation. It hurt my wife and my kids. It made it hard for people to like me, much less love me or want to be around me. I recognized it, but I couldn’t reign it in. I would even show up to games telling myself to just enjoy it, but something would happen to trigger it. I would act like I didn’t care, but I knew it was not a good look for me. I’m a really good guy, but that part of me was insufferable. I knew it. I just couldn’t control it. Now, I’m getting better. I’m more able to recognize when I’m heading that direction. I, actually, meditate before every game and work on breathing and removing emotion from the event. I’ve turned the corner, but I still know it’s always just under the surface. 

 Financial Situation is very poor. Need to work harder, and have a little luck.  I know I create my own luck, but a little kiss wouldn’t hurt right now. I’ve made so many mistakes, and blown money on stupid, frivolous things that I thought would bring me happiness. My addictions were sometimes costly. We are in debt. The collectors call constantly. I want to pay them, and try my best to do so. But, if I don’t I have the money…  Last year I worked 31 days of overtime, approximately 700 hours, just to keep from drowning. It wasn’t easy, but very necessary. Now, I just need something to go my way, soon! I’m working hard, just need to work harder. 

 I’m not the best Husband. I need to be a better example to my sons. We’re both strong willed, committed people that love so much. We need to turn that love inwards. We start loving our selves more, and working on our issues it will spill all over the place. Love will be everywhere we are, and it will be beautiful! We’ve done some great things together, and I’ve done some shitty things to almost ruin what we have.  However, I see myself finding a way to make this a special and spectacular life for both of us. 

 Wish I had a more close knit family. I know I contributed to some of it, but families should stick together no matter what. We should always be here for one another. Lifting one another up is much easier than putting each other down. 

6 Things I Like About Myself

 My Personality- I’m a good person that cares about others, and I like to be happy & have fun! I’m not phony. I enjoy meeting and connecting with people. I’m not really into small talk. If we have a connection you may find out a lot about me in a short amount of time. What can I say, I love to show and tell. 
 Team Player-I want “Us” to succeed. I’m the guy you want on your side. You show me love, I show you loyalty. More than anything I want to be happy, and I want others around me to be happy, too. Society today is so full of a “me first” mentality. So many of us like to see people fail or get caught doing something wrong so we can feel better about ourselves.  There is something so wrong with that mentality. I try not to judge, because I don’t like being judged. If we all started to lift others up instead of putting them down, the world would be a better place. 

 I’m Real-I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I’m honest, trustworthy and try to be a good person/friend/husband/dad. But, I am who I am. I work hard to make myself better, and I have changed. But, I’m human, and I struggle at times. My dad calls it Situational Depression. I embrace those moments, and strive to find clarity & meaning from them. I try to tell my boys to always be the “Realest” in the room. It may not get you a lot of friends, but I do know a ton of people.😂Some don’t like me, but enough love me. That’s all that matters. 

 I’m a great Dad/Father. I’ve always been here for them, and have tried to give them everything. Believe me, I fuck up, a lot! But, the most important thing is they know that I love them so much. Hopefully, they are getting my good traits, and not the stuff from the first list. 

 5. Im a very proud person, and don’t mind showing my pride. I love my life! Some people may see it as bragging, or trying to show how good I think I have it. Couldn’t be further from the truth. I do tend to talk a lot, though. If I’m excited about something, and you could care less, that’s okay. Life has its moments, but overall I’m happy with where I am & what I’ve accomplished. Could be better, and I’ll work harder at making it so. But, it could also be so much worse. I’m healthy, employed, covered, and I can see, hear, touch, smell, taste, and experience everything life offers. I enjoy sharing things about myself & my life experiences in an emotional, prideful way. I know some see it as trying to one up, but I call it relating and connecting. 

 6. I love kids, animals, nature, space, family, friends, sunsets, sunrises, storms, mountains, beaches, rivers, peace, serenity, being loved, watching my kids grow, food, fitness, fruit, vegetables, good people, great stories, my wife, my life! Basically I’m a Lover, and I love to love! I love being loved. While I do have my issues & shortcomings, I recognize them and work hard to deal with them. I’m okay, and I look forward to whatever my future may hold. I’m ready to take it on one day at a time. All we have is today. I’ll strive to live in this moment, not dwelling on my past or worrying about my future. It’s all we have!

Other Things I’m grateful for:

I’m alive, breathing with a healthy body and heart. 

Kris Jackson and Carson are here with me and doing great. 

I have a great job that almost pays for our life😂. 

I have some good people in my life to lean on when I struggle. 

Roof over my head. 

Food in the pantry, fridge and freezer. 

A warm bed to crawl into at night.  

Vehicles to get us around. 

Internet to learn, connect, and enjoy. 

Being able to experience it all in living color!

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